The Problem of Parent Blaming in Misophonia
How to help yourself when you feel as if you've been kicked in the gut
If you are a parent of a child with Misophonia, it is likely that you have encountered parent blaming at one point. I’ve been there too and it is highly upsetting, to say the least. I am writing this to help you understand how to identify the more subtle forms of parent blaming and to give you strategies to respond.
What is parent blaming? Parent blaming involves therapists or medical doctors attributing to parents “an excess level of responsibility expressed as blame regarding their child’s health, or mental health issue(s).” Parent blaming makes one feel inadequate, judged, hurt and angry. Parent blaming often creates resentment in parents and results in a lack of trust with a particular practitioner(s).
Misophonia is highly vulnerable to this phenomenon because it is an invisible disorder. It is also a condition that crosses many disciplines, confusing therapists, audiologists, medical doctors, teachers and the public. We still don’t know what misophonia is, or how to classify it. Therefore, we need to protect ourselves, while also understanding the reasons for confusion and misunderstanding.
How does a parent protect their feelings? First, one must recognize that they are being blamed. Here are some typical parent blaming statements that you may hear (and that feel like a kick in the gut):
Your child is using this ‘misophonia’ in order to manipulate you.
Your child is attention-seeking.
You are too indulgent.
This is trauma caused by your parenting.
There are also more subtle statements and questions you may hear that also feel like a kick in the gut, but that you can’t easily identify. Here are some examples:
Do you have your child on a schedule?
Have you tried time-outs?
Do you allow your child to be on the phone/iPad etc. a lot?
Are you watching your child’s social media accounts?
This happens a lot with first time parents!
Parents are up against a lot when seeking help for misophonia. In addition to misophonia being invisible and confusing, it is also susceptible to inaccuracies in the media and on the Internet. As research moves along, ideas about misophonia change and the media does not necessarily update. Google doesn’t update. Even some of our most trusted medical websites don’t update.
Finally, we all have inherent feelings of guilt associated with parenting and how one’s child behaves. These feelings make us so very vulnerable. So, what can one do when feeling kicked in the gut? Here are some tips:
Always have research or a written explanation of misophonia with you
If you feel you are being blamed, say so.
Do not be afraid to explain your feelings.
Often we get a defensive feeling that we are not aware of.
Try to identify that feeling so that you can stand up for yourself.
Most of all, know that you are not alone. Parent blaming happens to most of us at one time or another, in many different ways (and not just related to misophonia). When you feel that kick in the gut, talk to other parents. You will be surprised that they may have experienced the same feelings. Also, seek out support groups specific to misophonia parents (SoQuiet for example, has excellent peer-led groups for parents and others). One final thought -misophonia research and awareness is rapidly expanding and this will help to assuage the distressing impact of parent-blaming.